Dearest daughter

When I became pregnant I was super excited. I was excited about everything I mean everything except, for finding out the gender. I was so anxious and I was praying that God was going to bless me with a boy. When I found out that I was having a girl, I cried. I know it sounds stupid but I actually cried. I thought to myself what am I going to do with a girl? I'm the least girly of them all. And oh the biggest one, I'm going to have to learn how to braid hair !!!!!! Lol. Yea dumb reasons. That's exactly why I never said anything because no one ever admits that they suffered from Gender Disappointment. Yup. It's a real thing. I know I should've been grateful to even be able to carry a child but I couldn't hold back the disappointment . I didn't understand why God would give me a girl....until today. 

We always ask why does this happen or why does that happen? And sometimes we miss the answer. Well most of the time we miss the answer because we don't ask the right question or we just refuse to see the truth. Today I was given the answer to my question. The Holy Spirit told me loud and clear. I was given a girl because I am suppose to teach her how to grow into a woman. 

When your a single parent. You have many tasks that are given to you without you even knowing that they are tasks. You just do them because you're suppose to. I didn't realize until today that one of my tasks is teaching womanhood to my daughter.  Just like I didn't know that I would be a single parent until a couple months ago. But see that was already a plan before I even knew what gender my baby was going to be. I was given the gender that could relate to me the best. I was given the gender that I could mold into a young woman and teach her the right things. Someone that wouldn't be exactly like me but better than I could ever imagine myself to be.  And that is an awesome thing. I'm so happy and grateful that I was given a little girl and grateful that I finally was given the reason why.

Everything happens for a reason but better yet everything happens as it is supposed to. 

Shut your trap

I think the hardest lesson in life is to admit when you have a problem, made a mistake, or just have plain messed up. One of the hardest struggles I have is my mouth. I've been told for years that I just don't know what to say or that the things I say are uncalled for or just plain rude. When someone says this to me I usually just apologize and don't give it a second thought. But this problem seems to keep reoccurring. So my apology holds no weight bc I keep doing it over and over again. I truly don't mean to offend but regardless I have offended. So today I really sat and thought about my tongue and what I can do to change it. 

My first solution was to just stay quiet. Don't say anything. Keep to myself and shut up. If someone asks for my opinion I won't give it. But then I thought I would be limiting myself. I hate not being able to be me and not being able to express myself. But censoring yourself does not mean you have to lose yourself. 

People always say think before you speak, that's definitely a true statement. But for me I not only have to think about what I want to say but the effect I want to have on the person I'm speaking to. If my goal in life is to be kind and loving the words I speak must exude just that. Kindness and love. 

I can't go back and keep apologizing for the words I have said but I can change how I speak from this moment on 

 Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. 

Pardon granted

A while back I blogged about my “crush, my love struck sensation, my shoulda coulda woulda. Well I think its time I let that torch burn out.  Matter a fact I think I’ll do more than let it burn out, it’s time to cover it with dirt and give it a funeral.  Now you may ask why I’m giving up? Why, when I’ve never even said how I truly feel? After much thought I know this is something that’ll never be and me wishing and hoping is only pushing me in the option direction of my own growth.

With this it gives me an opportunity to issue a retraction.  In my previous post (la la la la la la) I said it was ok for me to daydream, nope I was 100% wrong. It’s bad for me personally to daydream, night dream about something that I know will never happen.  See while I thought I was just daydreaming I never woke up, until now.

So I’m going to take this time to write a goodbye letter to my  secret love:

Dear ________,

                I have to let you go. While I never was holding onto you physically, I was holding tightly on to you mentally. I realize that it hurts me more than it would ever hurt you. Not because you have done anything directly to hurt me, but because even thinking about you makes me a prisoner of constant rejection.  But the joy in this is that while  I’m the prisoner , I’m also the warden and I’ve decided that my confidence credentials make me overqualified for the job of a prisoner. So I’m opening up the cell I’ve placed myself in, walking out and throwing away the key.  

So with that……..I’ll miss you but goodbye

Her first love is DST

Today me, us, we, the distinguished women of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated celebrate 102 years of the founding of our sorority. An organization that was founded by 22 women who decided to go against the grain and strive for something better. 

I've been asked numerous times what made me pledge? Why would I "subject" my self to such a "thing". That it seems "unjustified"or a "waste" of time. For me becoming a member of DST was never a question that I needed to think long and hard about. For me it just made sense. And the answer wasn't as simple as me just wanting to be a part of something. It is the principles and values of the organization that I could also  see within myself. 

With every post I write,  I unveil more and more that's truly within me. Sometimes it has been hard for me to acknowledge or maybe I just forgot but regardless it's always there. Our morals, our values, our principles will always remain with us no matter how far we stray. No matter how tough we pretend we are. And no matter how long we hang around the wrong crowd we will always come back to what's right

So today I thank 22 woman who went back to their morals. Went back to their principles and decided to start an organization that stood up for what was right, what was courageous what, and what needed to be done. 

OOOOOO-OOOOP

The new normal

Normal. What does that word mean? What does it look like? The definition of normal actually reads: 

1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural. 
2. serving to establish a standard.

But does this still even define what normal actually means to us. So many times we try to give this word a certain type of look. But the truth is its a name with no face.

 For so long in my life I've said to myself "why can't I just be normal?"  Why can't I just have a plain normal life? Why is everything so hard for me? I'm sure I'm not the only one who's spoken those words. In fact I'm sure that my abnormalness is the culprit in me not having things I wanted. I'm overweight, a single mom, weird, don't know what to say out of my mouth, living from pay check to pay check, not married. All the opposite of what anyone would ever put the word normal next to. I'm the square peg in the round hole. 

So what happens to the abnormal? Where do we go? If I was a piece of clothing I'd be at a clearance store in the "irregular" section. The land of misfit toys lol. But just like those clothes

and toys. I still serve a purpose. I'm still important. I can still be used for good. I can still be wanted by someone. I can still find a place to fit. 

Not everything that's abnormal is bad. They just need to be placed in the loving hands of someone who thinks that no matter who you are or what you are or have been that you are still fearfully and wonderfully made. 

A penny for your thought

Have you ever just been talking to someone about something and they offer their opinion without you asking for it. Or somebody comes over your house and states that they don’t like the way you’ve set something up, IN YOUR OWN HOUSE LOL.  For some reason this has been my pet peeve the last couple of days. So if you’ve seen me in the last 2 weeks you know that I recently dyed my hair aquamarine (YES I USED THE CORRECT NAME OF THE COLOR). I’ve had so many comments on my hair. Is your hair green? Why did you dye it blue? I don’t like that at all? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I became so frustrated with all the interrogation that I really wanted to just put a hat on my head and call it a day.  But it didn’t just stop with my hair color. I also recently bought a new lipstick. I absolutely love it on me. I was feeling confident with my new lippie smiling and all, and here comes my friend “I don’t like that color” on you. I sarcastically said to her “I’m not kissing you so you don’t have to worry about it”, she still felt the need to tell me again smh.  So who has the problem here, me or everyone else?

I don’t think there’s any one person to blame in any of these scenarios.  Someone is always going to have something to say about your choices in life. Their either going to agree or disagree, like it or not like it, hate it or love it.  The problem comes when you take someone else’s opinion and make it your own. Just like the other person has an opinion so do you. So many times we get caught up in what other people think or feel that we forget who we are, what we like and what we stand for. It’s ok to have an opinion in fact its strongly suggested that you have one, what’s not ok is to try to force your opinion on someone else or forget who you are.

“Opinions are like feet everybody’s got a couple and everyone thinks everyone else’s stinks”.

Through the looking glass

Back to work today after 2 whole weeks of being off. Smh it was the hardest thing to do. When that alarm went off this morning I hit the snooze button so many times you would've sworn my name was Floyd Maywether. Don't act like yall haven't knocked an alarm clock out a time or two. Lol I just couldn't get up I was so comfortable in my bed it seemed pointless to do anything else. But then I thought about my daughter, and my house, and my bills and bills and more bills. That was enough motivation right there to face the cold outside world.

I think about all the other snooze buttons I've hit in my life just bc I didn't want to do them when I was supposed to. I put off losing weight, going to church, reading books, ending relationships, forming relationships. I was the ultimate procrastinator. Just like my bed I was comfortable with  where I was at, but unlike my bed I couldn't find the motivation to get up and get moving. I'd make excuses, be scared, or just plain lazy. Seven days ago we were on the precipice of 2015 and also on the precipice of  making resolutions we knew we weren't going to keep. Yup I'm guilty too. So what's our motivation to change? Is it a person, obligation, or just a pure desire of our heart. I personally believe in order to move from where you are  the desire in your heart has to be greater than any external thing. 

Change must come from within. One thing nobody can ever take from you (unless you give permission) is your sense of self. That longing you have that desire is something that can never be duplicated. It's like trying to tell someone how you feel but you can't because you're lost for words. So search for your hearts desire. Don't look to social media, don't ask your friends. Take some time and pray and ask to be given glasses to see inside your own soul.