Spring cleaning

Last week I spent my entire weekend cleaning my house. This is usually the time of year that most folks do their spring cleaning. I started from the bottom all the way to the top and I did as much as I could.  I went through old stuff and just threw everything that I had no use for  The next day I was in so much pain. My back hurt, my side hurt. I felt like I was broken.  But it was good because I had decluttered my house. 

A couple weeks ago I had a conversation with what I thought was my best friend. I never realized at that time that it would probably be our last conversation. It's like we just stopped talking to each other. I thought about reaching out a million times over but I finally came to the conclusion that just like we can spring clean our house we also can spring clean our lives. I realized that this relationship that I had held so highly was only being held up by me. I also realized that while I was of significance at one point in this persons life I had lost my lack luster. Not because I was no longer a good friend or that I didn't care for him. But that I had fallen into that old saying of "out with the old and in with the new". My friend no longer had a use for me. I cried over it. I talked about it. I even prayed about it. I finally was left with the question to myself mind you "why are you holding onto something that doesn't want to be held?"  So I cleaned house and now by writing this Im ultimately cleaning spirit by letting him go. 

Lesson learned is: sometimes we feel that we are constantly being rejected but more often than not  we are actually walking away from something or someone that  didn't recognize our worth. 

I've been heeled

How many times have you reached for some bread to make a sandwich and realize there’s only one slice of bread left and dare I say it THE  HEEL. You sadly end up only making a half of a sandwich because you wouldn’t dare ever eat the heel. Instead you discard it and cast it off as that undesirable part of the loaf. The heel is the crust, the end, the last slice, the not so pretty part of the bread. I decided to look up more information about this outcast and found out that this part that I have been throwing away all my life is actually healthier than any other part of the bread.  It may be tougher, but it has more dietary fiber, antioxidants and is currently being studied for its fighting properties against colon cancer. Now that’s a very tough slice if I would say so myself. But instead we’d rather go for the inside of the loaf, the nice pretty soft slices.

I compare myself to the heel of bread. Just like my sister heel, I’ve been seen as an outcast in many instances. I’ve been told throughout my life that I’m not the prettiest, I’m hard to talk to or as someone once told me I’m far from someone’s first choice.  I’m the HEEL LOL.  But just like the heel I’m tough, I’ve been through a lot but I’m not broken.  I’ve been able to hold things together for myself and my family just as the heel holds the other slices. I’m a protector standing strong for those I love. To some I may not be the most desirable but I’ll have your back no matter what.  I’d rather be this than the soft part of the bread. The part that gets pierced easily and crumbles under pressure.  

So if you’re a heel like me, be proud of your place. Were tough, strong, able to withstand a bump or a bruise, we are built to last.

And a little child shall lead them

Every now and then I post about my daughter. I'll say she gives me inspiration and how blessed I am to have her and all the basic mom things. I never boast about her but for this post I must. 

For those who don't know my daughter came early. Not super early but early enough that her name didn't match her season, lol. I always say that her name is confused because it doesn't match when she was born. I worried that because she was early that she would be slightly delayed. That she wouldn't hit all her milestones like she was supposed to. I even went so far as to have her tested. Yea I know anxious April strikes again. But no really I was worried. But she was just where she was supposed to be. She was moving at her own pace. Now at 18 months I've gotten to the point where I don't compare her anymore. So much so that I didn't recognize how advanced she actually is. She talks in almost a complete sentence. Can count to 10. Can point out things in books, and places and is just excelling further than I would've ever imagined. But see I didn't notice that part. I just thought my daughter was doing what an 18 month old was suppose to do. 

I've never broadcasted this but I feel that I must for you to get my point. At the age of 8 months she was left in the house by herself. Not by my hand but by someone who I thought was equally responsible. It was the worse feeling anyone could imagine. To have your child left unattended while you think they're safe. I immediately did what I needed to do and filed for full custody of her. Despite what others have said about me these last 10 months I still know until this day I wouldn't have responded any other way than the steps I've taken to keep her safe.  But despite everything that I've tried to do to keep her safe , I still have to reluctantly hand her over to the person who left her. It's heartbreaking to say the least. I've cried and cried and screamed in my pillow. Thrown up from worry. Just a complete mess because I didn't know what was going on with her. And I still don't know to this day. I ask about her and get no response. I give information about her routine its disregarded etc etc etc. It's pure torture. Now this isn't a bashing session by far because when it all boils down to it I chose this man to be her father and without him I wouldn't have her. So for that I'm eternally grateful. But I was a fool and we all know what God says about children and fools. 

I was given a child that's wiser than I could ever imagine for a reason. When she isn't given the things she's suppose to get, she can ask. When she doesn't want something she can say no. She has the ability to remember the things I tell her. She may not understand but she can remember like the elephant that she knows and is able to pronunciate clearly in her book. She knows. 

So I can't say I won't worry because it's parental nature to and I can't say I won't question because that's a given. But I will always remember that she was created for such a time as this and the gift she was given was no accident. It was divine intervention to teach those who seem to be unteachable, unreachable, or plain prideful.