Auld Lang Syne

So this is it. The last day of 2014. Can't believe it came so fast. Don't know if I'm ready for the new year but as they say, ready or not, here it comes. 

As I write this im thinking about how each and every New Year's Eve I promise myself the same things. I'm going to be happier, healthier, wiser, kinder, more tolerant , less tolerant blah blah blah. I say the exact same thing every year and every year I don't do anything I said I was going to do. I try but I either give up, or give in and don't follow through. So before I promise myself that I'm going to change anything I'm going to remember the things that changed me. 

I lost friends. Became a single parent. Had financial hardship. Gained weight. Felt lonely. Had frustration at work. And legal issues. I can't think of anything else but I think that sums it up. I had a heck (excuse my language) of a year. All of that and I'm sure a whole lot more could've broken me and then some. But it didn't!!

Don't get me wrong I still have the same problems. But my problems are no longer an issue. The lost friends were replaced with better ones. My single parenthood became a stronger womanhood. My frustration at work became an opportunity for tolerance. My financial hardship became an opportunity for wise spending. My increased weight became an opportunity to live healthier. And my loneliness became an opportunity to become closer to God. 

So while there are things I want to change. There's some things I'm willing to go through to get where God is trying to take me. Instead of looking at all the subtractions and divisions in my life, I need to pay attention to all the additions and multiplications God is making. Every thing we go through has a purpose. So on this New Year's Eve. Instead of focusing on what you need to change also focus on what you went through. Because if you don't learn the reason for the test. You'll have to take the class again. 

See ya next year 

Serenity

Happy holidays to everyone !!!!!!

So I was called out bc I haven't posted in awhile (thanks Kisha) lol. Sorry for the hiatus. I hope everyone enjoyed Christmas with the ones you love I know I sure did!!!!

Over this Christmas weekend I was able to witness one of my friends aunts get married at the age of 51!!! It was a joyus occasion. And the man she married I swear was made just for her. I had a discussion with her about my acceptance of being eternally single. Meaning that I probably wouldn't ever get married and how I'm learning how to accept that. I've told this to a few people and they refuse to let me believe this and how they don't want me to lose hope. But I don't think I've lost anything at all. 

Yes getting married was a desire of mine. But I've had lots of desires in my life that didn't come to pass. I wanted to be a doctor didn't happen. I wanted to be a singer, didn't happen. Wanted to work with the deceased, didn't happen. These things didn't happen not because I didn't want them to, but because they weren't suppose to. 

Was I disappointed, yes. But most of the times doors are closed and remain that way because what is behind them is not for our good. 

Talent search

Ever since I was little I've always wanted to sing. Prayed and prayed and prayed that I would be a songstress. But sadly to say that never happened. My Nana had the most beautiful voice ever. Geesh wish I would've inherited that. I just got that good old asthma, lol. I still wonder sometimes why I can't sing and why I didn't get the gift I've always wanted. 

My little cousin has a friend that also has a voice like an angel. I mean this child was in the stage play of The Lion King!!!! One day I went to the movies with my cousin and her friend and I got another chance to hear this little girls voice and it brought tears to my eyes. I can remember asking myself, out loud by the way, "why can't I sing like that". That little girl turned to me and out of her young mouth she said "because God gives us all different talents, and everyone of them is great!!". And you know she was and is absolutely right. 

You or I may not have a talent that can be seen by the naked eye or be heard like the sonic boom, but our talent is no less special. So embrace your talent whatever it is and share it with the world. 

To cuff or not to cuff

So my friend and I were discussing "cuffing season". Supposedly it's the time when you look for that special someone to couple of with. We argued because we couldn't decide if the winter officially starts the season because it's cold and you need a snuggle buddy. Or if it's after the holidays so you're not obligated to buy any gifts, lol. Regardless of when it is, it still sounds crazy to me. 

To pick a certain time of year to have a significant other instead of having one all year long seems silly. My question in all of this is who do you decide to cuff? What qualities make a good cuffee? Ok enough with that word already. But really what qualities make a good mate. 

I know people who think money makes the man or woman, a cute face, a tiny waist, no kids, no baby mamas, no baby daddy's etc etc etc etc. But what is it that makes someone qualified to be the one?

I truly believe that some people have their minds set on a certain type of individual and discard the rest because they don't fit  their "type". But they forget that their type in more ways then one hasn't been right. They keep choosing the same boy or girl over and over again and end up with just that, a boy or girl. What needs to be sought is a man or a woman. Just in case you missed that believe me there's definitely a difference.

I think it's important to remember to look on the inside of a person. The innards are more important that the outwards. What they bring to the table emotionally and spiritually is greater than anything imaginable. So don't count that someone out because hey don't fit your ideal you just may be missing your blessing. 

Listen up

Last night I let someone have it and when I say have it, I mean HAVE IT!!! In my mind they deserved it. They had been talking trash, talking out the side of they're neck, running their mouth and I just couldn't take it anymore. No I didn't cause any physical harm but I let my mouth do the talking without using my brain. Smh

While it felt good to finally "go in" on them. I ultimately became the person they are. Mean, hurtful, rude and ignorant. I became everything I hate, and became exactly who they have been portraying me out to be. I let them win!!

But and there's a big but in here. The difference between my weak moment and them as a person, is just that. It was a weak moment and that's the person they are. I can do everything in my power to never have that weak moment again and I promise I won't. I know it's true because unlike this other person I can acknowledge my mess ups, shortcomings, and once again weak moments. And as we all know you can only fix a problem when you acknowledge there's one to fix. 

So how do I fix it. I apologize to my self. "Self, I'm sorry". I forgive myself. "Self, I forgive you". And I also apologize and forgive the person. They may not accept it, they may not want it and they may not hear it. But you can only hear what you listen for and you can only listen if you're willing to hear. 

How low can you go

Disappointment. I hate it. Always have and aways will. I think I hate it so because it means you have to put your expectations and trust into something or someone. Out of the two the latter is the hardest to do. Trusting someone else is the scariest thing to do. So why do we do it? Why do we put our hopes in another humans hands?

Over the years I've learned to lower my expectations. I think it's a defense mechanism just so I won't get hurt. But you know what regardless of how low my expectations get I still end up getting hurt. And I know the reason why know more than ever. I never expected anything out of myself. I mean I always strived to be better than I was before but I didn't expect my self to do it. I just did it because I thought I was supposed to. 

The only person I can count on is me and God. And in order for trust to work within me I have to believe that God is for me. That I'm better than I can see and I deserve better than I would choose or give myself. 

MapQuest

Convenient amnesia. My father loves to use this term with me when he believes I've purposely forgotten something I don’t like.  I laugh at him every time he says it because he’s right on point. There are some parts of my life I don’t want to remember. The problem in doing this is that I forgot the struggle I had to go through to get to where I am now.

I know more than a couple of folks who seem to have had some memory lapses. They have forgotten that they too have had low points in life. Instead they walk around and stick their noses in the air and have the look at me now attitude.  They've gotten a new house, new man, new woman, new body, new car, new job,  a new new and they forget the old old. They have forgotten what it was to be on the other side and now that they have everything they've always wanted they drop the people they always needed.

See while there’s no harm in being happy for your come up, there’s a poison in forgetting to thank the past for placing where you are now. Never forget the people who were there, the encouragement you received, the prayers that were prayed, the tears that you cried or the mistakes that you made. 

So remember the road to success is not always an upward climb, there are some valleys too.  And most importantly there may be an unexpected U-turn, because while you’re busy sticking your nose up in the air , you may just miss your turn and end up right back where you started from……A dead end. 

Save your oil

"You need a man", "lemme hook you up", girl if you dress like that more often you'd catch him". Seems like as soon as I became single these were the first statements I heard. My question is what's wrong with just being with myself?

Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with being in a relationship but there is something wrong if that's the only thing you're in. I know some ladies who have made their new relationships the end all to be all. The new Bae (I hate that word by the way lol) is there everything. They forget about their friends, jobs, children, God and themselves. And if someone else is not in a relationship, you're either jealous, mad, want their man or miserable. But why do you have to be in a relationship to be happy?  Why does that have to define you? 

The problem with a lot of young women is that they want the wedding more than the marriage and a half of man is better than no man at all. I used to be guilty of this but no more. See I have learned that in order to love someone else I need to love me first. In order for someone to become a part of my life they can't take over my life. 

So while I may be alone I'm not lonely and  while I may be without an earthly man, I have a Godly man that loves me more than myself, accepts me for myself, celebrates me for myself and most importantly will not allow me to compromise myself. So I will save my gifts, my "oil" because I know God is going to send me someone in His time and I don't want to waste myself on someone who is not worthy of me. 

5 The groom was late arriving, and the girls became drowsy and fell asleep. 6 Then in the middle of the night someone shouted, “Here’s the groom! Come to meet him!”7 When the girls got up and started getting their lamps ready, 8 the foolish ones said to the others, “Let us have some of your oil! Our lamps are going out.”9 The girls who were wise answered, “There’s not enough oil for all of us! Go and buy some for yourselves.”10 While the foolish girls were on their way to get some oil, the groom arrived. The girls who were ready went into the wedding, and the doors were closed."  Matthew 25 

Emotion detector

All my life I have been very "emotional". I've been accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve, the ability to see what I think on my face, and thinking with my heart instead of my head. I also know people who are emotionless. They say what they are thinking and never apologize for it regardless of the damage it does. They hurt people and have made the statement that they don't care. I lost a very close friend this year because of how I handle things and how they spoke to me. It really left me thinking about who's right and who's wrong. Should I walk around spouting obscenities and not care what people think. Or should I continue to "stay in my feelings". 

Yesterday I was left feeling very upset about something I did not do and apologized for it as well. I have always been that person apologizing for things I didn't do and taking ownership of it. That left me feeling more upset because I felt that because the person knows how emotional I am that gave them the ability to play on my weakness. So I kept asking myself, where do I go from here? What do I change so I'll never do and feel this way again?

The reality is I can't change the fact that emotional. I cant turn off the mechanism that allows me to pick up on others emotions either. I was made this way for a purpose. It allows me to help others that are in need. I'm a human E-MOTION Detector. What I can change however are my automatic thoughts regarding the emotion being about me. As my father would say I'm not that important or that powerful for everything to be about me. Now that doesn't mean that nothing is about me. It just means that I don't have to carry the weight of someone else's feelings. Nor do I have to apologize for something I didn't do. My shoulders just aren't that big. 

Mind craft

I love games especially the kind that make you use your brain. I love anything that makes me challenge my knowledge. When I was kid I loved getting those pictures in class that could be interpreted into 2 different images. Like the picture of a young face but it was actually an entire portrait of an old lady. This is considered a type of optical illusion. Optical Illusions can use color, light and patterns to create images that can be deceptive or misleading to our brains. The information gathered by the eye is processed by the brain, creating a perception that in reality, does not match the true image. Perception refers to the interpretation of what we take in through our eyes. Optical illusions occur because our brain is trying to interpret what we see and make sense of the world around us. Optical illusions simply trick our brains into seeing things which may or may not be real.

So if our brain is trying to make sense of what we see,  how many times have we seen an optical illusion without even realizing it was one. When I think back I've practically lived in an optical illusion lol. From my home life when I was younger up into a few months ago I was in an actual wonderland. I thought that just because something looked good, sounded good, it was good. If it walked like a duck and talked like a duck, I thought it was a duck when it was actually a snake. It's funny how long I've been doing this. Fooling myself that if I make things appear a certain way that's what it actually was.

 I know so many people who do this and the sad part is it's not something we just picked up. It was engrained in us. To never let anyone know what's truly going on. To sweep it under the rug and to never talk about. To stay in an abusive relationship. To suffer in silence through sexual assault. To stay around toxicity because at least you won't be alone. One of my very good friends asked me once, if it was better for me to have a bad friend than no friend at all? I stupidly answered that it was better to have a bad friend. 

It's time to start seeing things and treating things how they actually are instead of what we want them to be. No more optical illusions, no more abstracts. But a portrait of what we are actually looking at. 

"What do you see???" 

Call a plumber?

Advice. Counsel. Recommendation. Who pops in your mind when you need those things? Are you a person who seeks multiple viewpoints or do you go to your old faithful source?

I used to be someone who sought multiple sources when I had a problem. I would ask this person and that person what they thought. I would get various opinions good and bad. An while that may seem good it always left me confused. I wouldn't know which way to turn because I was left with too many options to choose from. The main problem with my sources were that they weren't an expert in what I needed help in. They had never been in my situation or experienced what I was going through but there I was seeking advice anyway. 

I stated that I used to do this but not anymore. I had to step back and think rationally.Now I seek advice from someone who's been in my shoes and even with that I'm still very cautious. If the advice they give is not something positive than I don't take it. It's very important to consider the source with information that you receive. It's also very important to make sure that source is credible and encouraging as well.  

Hey If you wouldn't call a plumber to fix your cable, why wouldn't you do the same with your life. 

Star gazing

For the majority of my life I've been seeking approval. I think to a certain extent we all do whether we want to admit it or not. We want to get good grades, good jobs, good mates, make the right decisions, say the right things. We strive to be the best we can be for someone in our lives. For me I've always wanted the approval from my parents, one in particular. The sad part about it is no matter what I did, said, accomplished it never measured up, I never got the gold star. 

As I said numerous times as I began this journey of change I've stopped seeking approval from others but I haven't been totally honest in that regard. I continue to look for that gold star, high five and pat on the back from my family. I expect that if I can't get it from anyone or anywhere else I can bet my last I'll get it there. But I've been lying to myself, living in denial and causing myself more harm than good. 

Today I realize that my trust and expectations start and finish with myself and God. As much as it hurts sometimes you have to let go of the ideal image that you created for others. They'll never be who you want them to be, and you'll never get the confirmation you've been begging for. So where does that leave you? 

Speaking for me, it leaves me with a new revelation.  I AM my gold star, I AM my high five, I AM my pat on the back. Despite what others think about me I AM doing the right thing. 

So as I let go of ideals, expectation, and confirmation. I also let go of disappointment, hurt, and pain. And this gains more than I've ever imagined. A stronger sense of self worth and belief in myself. 

 "My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him." Psalms 62:5

Think or feel

So for the last couple of days I've been feeling super anxious. I've shared on here before my issues with anxiety so this shouldn't be a shocker. But the weird part is I can't put my finger on what I'm anxious about. I mean I have some ideas but I'm unsure if these things are something I should be anxious about. 

I've been thinking a lot about the future and what lies ahead. I know I should be anxious for nothing but I'm so curious about what's going to happen. If there's any light ahead. In church we learned that as believers we will always be in the midst of something. We're either getting ready to go into a storm, in a storm, or coming out of a storm. My head knows that I'll come out better than I was before but my heart isn't feeling it. And that's the struggle. 

Sometimes we tend to listen to our heart more than our head. That gets us in trouble all the time. We know what we should do but our feelings lead us to do the opposite. It's important to remember that each part of our body has its own function. Would you use your eyes to smell, or your nose to see? No, so why would you use your heart to think. 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't follow your "heart" when it comes to certain things. But before you follow your heart make sure you use your head to decide if your heart is worth following. 

Hi

My daughter loves to say "hi". And she doesn't say it at random times, she uses it appropriately. When we enter the store, "hi". When we come into church, "hi". When she meets someone new, "hi". She says it with conviction and you just can't help but to say it back. Even when someone won't respond, she keeps saying "hi". 

I think about her ability to be hospitable with everyone she meets and how we as adults lose that. One of my pet peeves is purchasing something and the cashier won't even greet the person they're servicing. What happened to our manners? Where have they gone? Why are we so out of touch with each other? With the ever changing technology around us we are becoming more disconnected. But I think it happened way before cell phones, video games, and Netflix. Somewhere in our growing up we forgot what it means to just be polite to each other. 

My challenge for this week and for the rest of my life is to speak to someone I normally wouldn't give a second look to. The homeless man begging on the street. The lady "nodding" at the corner. The teenager that's walking with his head down behind the rest of pack. 

Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Hebrews 13:2