Mirror mirror

Sorry for the hiatus. Guess The tryptophan got to me. I hope everyone had a great holiday and was able to spend it with the ones you love. 

I've been trying to take this time to celebrate me. Although things have been looking bad on the outside I can say that I really feel good. I can say that I feel strong and happy. I've never had the pleasure of saying that before but I am now. I've changed many things in my life for the better and I give all the credit to God. There's no way I could've done all this on my own. 

Sometimes when you're going through things people expect you to look like what you've been through. In the past I've looked like my struggle. And I refuse to any longer. 

Just a short post for the night. Have a good one. 

Happy thanksgiving

What a wonderful day. So many things to be grateful for. I thank the Lord for all the blessings that He's bestowed upon me. I'm thankful for all the storms that I've been through and will continue to go through. I'm thankful for gained relationships. I'm thankful for loss relationships. I'm thankful for the hurt. I'm   thankful for the love. I'm thankful for the pain. I'm thankful for the people that I love. I'm thankful for the people that love me back. I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my daughter. I'm thankful for being me, finding me, and loving me. I'm thankful to God for showing me that he's in control of everything and that I'm in control of nothing. 

Have a happy thanksgiving!!!!!!!!! 

Table for one

So I've been thinking about the difference between being alone and being lonely. I've always been the type to shy from doing stuff solo. I've been to the movies alone but to eat a meal.....uh no. I've always found it necessary to have someone with me. Like the thought of going places by myself made me look like a looser. Like I don't have any friends. I've always admired those who are able to go at it alone and not worry about who's watching and just do their thing. 

Lately I've been forced to do more things alone. I think the biggest thing was participating in caribbean carnival by myself. I didn't want to nor did I plan to, but it happened anyway. I was so scared at first but it ended up being the best experience I've ever had. It also taught me something about myself. It taught me that I'm stronger than I gave myself credit for. And also that I have more fun. I'm able to be me without anyone judging me. 

So am I alone? yea.  Am I lonely? No. Because loneliness is a state of mind. And I've made up my mind to be comfortable with me. 

Gotta go enjoy my date with myself. Lata yall :)

To kill a mocking bird

So as I was riding to work today and I was listening to the coverage of the city of ferguson. The host said that people where not just rioting but looting. Looting all types of stores from McDonald's to hair stores. I've never understood the whole point in this type of free speech but now I'm more confused than ever. Will someone please tell me how stealing a bundle of 30 inch Brazilian hair is getting justice???? Since last nights announcement of the Ferguson case, fires, tear gas, cursing, screaming, shooting, ,looting and a thread of heartfelt quotes on social media has overcome this nation. While I empathize with the Brown family I'll never understand the violent and senseless protest. 

I started looking at the history of race riots in this country because I was curious on how many there have  been. While I only did some short research I've counted 218 race riots thus far. Yes I said 218.  First one was in 1829 in Cincinnati, Ohio and last on the list 2014 Ferguson unrest. So that's 185 years between the first and now. 

Many are saying we should have the right to burn buildings , throw bottles, throw bricks, steal stuff because justice wasn't served, but my question is what does it solve? For 185 years this seems to be the go to thing when there's civil unrest. Seems like we can come out and start a ruckus but won't make it priority to even vote. One of my pet peeves is this mindset of being reactive instead of proactive. It's like we have "wish syndrome". We wish someone would come and start a mess. We wish someone would step on our shoes. We wish so we can then whip someone's butt!!! But when there's a chance to really make a difference, we "ain't got time for that". We won't go vote, we won't write to our senator, we don't even take the time to see what bills are being presented during the legislative session. To be honest some of us don't even know what a legislative session is. 

All I can say is, it's time for us to do something different than before. Because hey this is the epitome of insanity to the fullest extent. 

" I don't know [how they could convict Tom Robinson], but they did it. They've done it before and they did it tonight and they'll do it again and when they do it-seems that only children weep."
To Kill a Mockingbird- Attitus Finch 

In memory of MIKE BROWN 

La la la la la la

Seems lately I've been living in la la land. Feeling lovestruck for some reason. No I'm not going to spill any tea on here lol. Haven't told the person and won't tell the person. Don't even think he has any idea and while it hurts I think thats exactly what keeps la la land running. The idea of wanting something you can't have is a captivating thing. 

So why continue to live in this land what joy am I getting out of it? This past year I've had more downs than ups. More hurt than healing. And more shockers than sensationals. In psychopathology we learn that those that deal with trauma tend to go into an alternate state of mind.  Just for clarification I don't think any of the things I've been through have caused me any trauma rendering dissociation. But I can understand the mind needing a break. A place of solace and refuge. 

Sometimes we get so caught up in the bad we get stuck in it. 

So as I write this post. I'm just gonna take a break daydream and think about the what ifs instead of thinking about the what's real

Love

Every other Saturday I shed a tear. It's the day I dread the most. I feel like a piece of me is missing and although it's just for a little while it feels like an eternity. I know it seems crazy but whenever my daughter is away from me I feel this way. 

Yea I know I should enjoy my time, my peace, my chance to rest and although I do , I still miss her. No one ever could explain the feeling of being a mother to me until I actually became one.  To have a piece of you that is not you.  To see that piece running, playing, smiling, crying, laughing, speaking is extraordinary. It's like watching your heart in action. 

The love I feel for her and from her is something that can never be duplicated or replicated. Now I understand how much God loves me and how it pains him to see me turn away from him. That's why it's so important for me to continue this journey of growth. So I can become closer to Him than ever before. 

That thing that thing

Seems like every where, everyone around me is trying to lose weight, get in shape and feel great. Don't get me wrong I want to be on team fit too. I've tried everything, gym, pills, shakes, weight watchers, weight lookers, weight losers etc etc etc. The problem is I just love food. Seems like the more I eat the happier I am. Hmmm???

So will I ever be on team fit? Will I ever be the size I want to be? Will I ever be able to look in the mirror again and love what's looking back at me? I'm sure I will. But guess what I'll never be able to be apart of team fit until I join Team Within. 

Team Within requires me to love what's inside of me before I'm able to love the outside of me. I have to work on my self-esteem, self-worth and self-love. Now you may be thinking, "is she crazy ? If she'd lose weight she'd love herself that much more". My response to that is, if I lose weight and don't work on the inside of me, I'll end up gaining the weight right back. I'll end of trying to fill a void that I never fixed. 

I know people that've lost weight and look the best that have in years but the work stopped at the physical. The surprising thing is they weren't like this before they lost the weight. They did so much work on the outside they neglected the inside. I want to make sure that what's on the inside of me is the first thing people notice. That they look beyond the package and treasure the gift inside. I think Lauren Hill said it best " how you gonna win, if you ain't right within". 

Now that's food for thought. 

Wobble with me

When I was little I used to love those weeble wobble toys. Yea I'm old lol. You know the ones that when you push them over they pop back up. Remember the catchy phrase "weebles wobble ,but they don't fall down". I also liked those inflatable clowns that did the same thing. You punch them and they stand right back up. 

I think about all those toys and  like to compare myself to them and how they could take a punch and still stand strong, however I see there's a big problem with them. For years I've allowed myself to take punches emotionally over and over and I would get back up again. Just like those bags I would weeble, I would wobble and I would pop right back up. The problem with that , is although I popped back  up like those toys, I also stayed put just like those toys. 

Now you may be thinking.. Wait of course those toys just stayed there. They don't have legs. They're not alive. The only way they can move is if you actually move them. But see I was acting just like the toy. I acted like I didn't have legs. Like I didn't have my own will. I just stood there. I stayed for the abuse, for the backstabbing, for the tears, for the hurt. I made a decision not to leave. 

Now that I'm growing I desire much more than a weeble wobble life. I will leave when I see something or someone is not good for me. I will no longer just stand there and take it. And I will not allow others to think just because I've taken the abuse before that I will continue to stay in that place that allows them to abuse me again. 

So if you're like me. Make sure you weeble, you wobble but you also walk away!!!!

Lost for words

So since this past Sunday I've been hooked on a new gospel song by William Murphy "its working". Lyrics are as such:

This is my season for grace for favor  This is my season to reap what I have sown

This is my season for grace for favor... yeah This is my season to reap what I have sown

See....I haven't been perfect, but I sure been faithful See....God's got a purpose yes and I know He's able

I've got a seed in the ground, that He's blessing no more stressing
I've got a seed in the ground, now I'm knowing and it's showing
This is my season for grace for favor
This is my season to reap what I have sown

This is my season for grace for favor... yeah This is my season to reap what I have sown

Listen....everything is working together for my good.
Everything is working (DON'T FEEL GOOD) together for my good.
Everything is working together for my good. 

It's good ..... Its working for my good.
It's good.... Its working for my good.
It's real good, it's working together for my good.

This is my season for grace for favor... yeah This is my season to reap what I have sown

God is leaning....in my direction,He's leaning.....in my direction. 

This is my season for grace for favor... yeah
This is my season to reap what I have sown
I've got a seed in the ground

(And I don't care what your circumstance says, it's already getting better).

And with that I have no words......

Flag on the field !!!!

  How many times have you said "why didn't someone warn me", "Why didn't I see the red flags", or "IF I ONLY KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW". The truth is someone did tell you, you did see the red flags and you DID know then what you know now...... YOU, ME, WE just chose to ignore it. We chose to ignore the selfishness, the meanest, the negative energy, the love abuse, the red flags. 

There are so many times when  Ive sat back and make all of these statements. I've made mistakes, bad choices, believed in people that I shouldn't have and didn't walk away when I should have. The harsh reality is its no ones fault except my own. I decided to stay in relationships, friendships, jobs, places that I should've let go along time ago. However just because I stayed in bad situations doesn't mean it was all for nothing. 

I've gained a lot, learned a lot about myself, other people and most importantly GOD. I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was, wiser than I thought I was and that I wasn't living up to my full potential. And if I don't learn the lesson that God is teaching me in my current situation he will put me right back in the same situation over and over again until I finally get the lesson. 

"Trust your hunches. They're usually based on facts filed away just below the level of consciousness" Dr. Joyce Brothers 

I'll bet you think this song is about you

Have you ever been on Instagram and seen a friends quote and automatically thought it was about you, I have. Have you ever been in church and walked out saying "that sermon was meant for me", I have. 

Since I started writing this blog I have gotten negative and positive feedback, which I expected. However this blog, these post are not meant to spark a discussion about me personally. While I may write about things I have experienced. I also write about things that others have experienced. Or things that someone may have experienced themselves and afraid to express. 

The purpose of this blog is to cause you to reflect. Reflect on others and most importantly yourself. Every post is meant to leave the reader with something to think about. Every post I pray causes the reader to "feel" a certain way. Now when I say feel, I mean what do you walk away with. There are a plethora of feelings and not everyone will feel the same. 

Feelings can be triggered by many things but the trigger is not responsible for the feeling. Just as the writer is not responsible for the readers feelings. The owner of the feeling is responsible for it. So if you read a post and you take something negative away, it is NOT the writers responsibility to explain your feeling. That's when self evaluation becomes so important. You must say to yourself, Self what is it within me that this saying, this post, this quote, this sermon is causing me to feel this way?"

Don't ever become too preoccupied with what is happening around you. Pay more attention to what is going on within you !!!!

 

Take the limits off......

One of my favorite songs is "take the limits off" by Israel and New Breed. Everytime I listen to this song I tear up. It's such a powerful song. I think about my own limits. The ones created by others and the ones I have created for myself. 

The negative beliefs I have carried around has stunted my growth and that's because I've allowed them to. The beliefs others have about me aren't facts, aren't truths and aren't real. I've come to understand that what others think about me is none of my business!!!! 

Sometimes we feel we are trapped in a mess. But guess who has the key? Yup we do. If we just allow God to work in our lives the way He wants to, and  If we would just listen to God the way we listen to others there's no limit to what he's going to do !!!! 

 no limits, no boundaries. I see increase all around me. Stretch forth, break forth, release me. Enlarge my territory!!!!!

I give myself away

Last night I was having a convo with one of my friends. We were discussing selflessness. Yea I'm bout to hit yall with a definition lol. Selfless " having or showing great concern for other people and little or no concern for yourself."  

Now when I read this definition I started thinking wait I'm suppose to not think about myself at all. No that's not what selfless means. It doesn't mean to forget about yourself. It means when you do something for someone there should not be an agenda for gratification for your own self.  

Many times I have been around people that do something for others only for the benefit of themselves. That is called selfishness. Whenever you throw yourself into the equation you are doing if for your own benefit. It doesn't matter how much you spend, what you do, what you say , if you are acting with the goal of satisfaction for oneself it negates the act itself. 

So how do we become selfless. First stop tooting your own horn!! It's not about you and shouldn't be about you. Second, remove yourself and just do. No one needs to know what your doing and why your doing it. You don't need accolades. You don't need a trophy. You don't need acknowledgment. Third, don't keep a list of all the things you've done for someone in order to throw it back in their face later. Fourth, be kind be loving be willing and be giving. 

Hee haww heee haww

Today must have been the day of assumption. Seems like all around me people were assuming things. At home, at work and even in my own head. Yup I'm guilty too. 

Assume means to take "as granted or true". The thing is it only applies to the person who is doing the assuming. We all believe what we want to believe and with that comes great responsibility. If we choose to believe something as true without getting info from the source , it leads us open to the possibility of spreading false truths. As the saying goes "when you assume you become an a$@ of yourself."

Today when someone starting assuming about me it almost made me not want to post. But if i decided not to ,I would only be causing that assumption to have truth. Remember stuff only grows if you water it and that goes for weeds too!!!!! 

I hope you dance

This past weekend I was thinking about missed opportunities and regrets.  I’ve been thinking about where I am in my life, where I expected to be and where I should be. I think the biggest thing is the missed opportunity with people. I sit and wonder what if? It saddens me because I wonder if there will ever be another opportunity or has it passed it shelf life?

Today I received some sad news involving someone’s death.  As I mourn her, it brings me back to thinking about this opportunity thing. Although she knew she was sick, she was also very young. I wonder was she ever concerned with the things she was going to miss out on, or the opportunities she passed up.  Did she get to do everything she wanted? Did she get to say goodbye to everyone she wanted? Did she get to tell everyone she loved that she loved them, did they get to tell her.  I unfortunately didn’t get a chance to tell her those words before she left this world. Why is it that we wait to tell someone how we feel about them? What is it that stops us?

What I will take away from today’s news is that tomorrow is never promised. So say what you have to say, do what you need to do. Because while you’re busy saying you’ll wait for tomorrow, someone’s last tomorrow is actually today.  

 

 

 I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

 

 

In memory of Nicole

And the verdict is????

So of course today is RAVENS Purple Friday!!!!!!!! I decided to wear my Ray Rice jersey to work. This is not my first time wearing it. The first time, I was hesitant because I didn’t want anyone to say anything to me, or look at me funny. I quickly got over that. I sat and thought what privilege do I have to pass judgment on someone I don’t know, more importantly who am I to pass judgment on anyone at all?

Just for the record I don’t condone violence at all. Let me be perfectly clear on that. However I also don’t condone Double Jeopardy.  In case you don’t know what that is here’s the definition (you all know I love the dictionary lol).  Double Jeopardy “forbids a defendant from being tried again on the same (or similar) charges following a legitimate acquittal or conviction. In laymen’s terms if they did it once and got their punishment or nonpunishment then they can’t be punished again for the same thing.

When I look back over my own life I’m reminded of all the times I’ve made a mistake or done something wrong and then turned around and did it again. Man keeps records of that will, write it down and stow it away to throw back at you at your weakest point.  But then I think about God’s mercy and how many times He's given me not just a second chance, not just  a third and a fourth and a fifth and a…..should I go on.  With all the mess I’ve done, if He can forgive me and forget what I’ve done shouldn’t I be able to do the same, even when it comes to myself? But I’m only human and the only thing I can do is continue to try.

 

 

Good Vibrations

REJECTION.  What feelings arise when reading this word? Webster’s dictionary describes it as “1 a refusal to confirm the truth of a statement, 2 an unwillingness to grant something asked for 3 something separated from a group or lot for not being as good as the others.” When I read all these definitions the one that hits me the most is the third. “SOMETHING SEPERATED FOM A GROUP OR LOT FOR NOT BEING AS GOOD AS THE OTHERS.” Whew words are so powerful, especially when we actually look deeper into their meanings.

I know someone that was recently transferred into another position at work. Speaking to him I could tell in his voice that it made him feel sad, mad, frustrated, confused and rejected. He felt that he wasn’t as good as the others in his former position. He was able to accept that he wasn’t the best in that position, that he had flaws, that it wasn’t his “thing”. But yet it still hurt to be rejected. The up side to the story is that fortunately he wasn’t let go from the job but he was transferred into a different position.

            When we are rejected from one thing, situation, person, place or job, it’s not because we aren’t as good as others it’s just that we are better somewhere else. In my friends case, his great personality and the ability to brighten peoples day was being hidden in a position where he share his gifts. I’ve always admired his giving spirit, positive outlook and welcoming heart.

            In these last month’s I’ve learned that when we are not living to our full potential God will cause an earthquake in our lives.  When we refuse to move into the God place wants us to be, He has to shake things up. If He doesn’t we will never make a change. So when you are rejected instead of seeing it as a negative look at it as your foundation being shaken up to move you to a greater place.

 

 

Let it Go

For years I have suffered from anxiety. I’m always anxious, always worried, and always nervous. It’s one of the worse conditions to have. I absolutely hate feeling this way because it’s hard to stop my anxiety once it’s triggered. It’s like watching a car crash happen before your eyes and not having the power to do anything to stop it.

Mostly I get anxious about situations that are beyond my control. I know your thinking, um you can’t control anything. While that’s true I don’t become anxious with anything that I’m able to manipulate. School, work, bills…stuff like that. My biggest problem is relationships. Not just romantic but any type of relationship. In any type of relationship there’s always a variable that’s unpredictable and that’s the other person. It’s so frustrating at times, darn that free will thing, lol.

I’ve come to realize that as much as I want to believe that I don’t have a control problem, I actually do. So how do I let go? How do I allow people to be who they are? First I have to admit and accept that I don’t have as much power as I think I do. Second, a person is going to be who they are regardless of what I do to try and change them. And third, the more focus I put on others, the less time I spend working on me. SO with that I say….

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things and PEOPLE I cannot change;
courage to change the things and PERSON I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Ba Ba black sheep

This morning my heart felt so heavy. Actually last night as well. I've been trying my hardest to reach out to someone and they just won't respond. With so many losses this year I can say I'm at my lowest point. All I can say is I feel like the black sheep. 

There are people who've chosen to walk out my life because I don't meet their ideal of who I should be. There are people who I've cut off because I just can't accept their behavior. And some people just have stopped talking to me because other people have convinced them that they should. No matter the reason why these people have left it still causes a great deal of pain. Especially when it happens all at once. And I'm tired, hurt, and literally have been sick over this. 

I've beaten myself up because I thought "everybody can't be wrong. It has to be me". So I decided to look at myself and see what changes I need to make within (reason for the blog). I want to become a better April and I am. But one of my cousins asked me "why is it all about you. Why can't it be them as well". I didn't understand her because I refuse to believe that there's anything wrong with anyone else. 

I've done this for years. I make  excuses for the way people treat me. I blame myself. I apologize when I don't need to. I do whatever needs to be done to make it right. Although I need to look at myself I also need to look at the people around me and see if there's something wrong there as well. Not particularly wrong with them themselves but wrong for me and my personality and if I'm able to deal with such. 

I can't tell which way things are going. What is happening. What I  should do. All I know is that I feel bad and I'm not the monster people have convinced me I am. 

I got that feelin'

This morning I was trying to have a conversation with someone and they just refused to listen to my point of view. Not because I was wrong or right but because they were just mad. I decided to look up the word mad and the definition that fits this person best is “extremely foolish or unwise; imprudent; irrational”.  They were so infuriated with events that have happened that they were no longer thinking rationally.  I too have been guilty of doing this, so I know exactly how they feel.  

 

Now by no means do I think I’m immune from ever getting mad again. In fact I’m sure I will because it’s an emotion, and we have emotions for all reasons. The key is what I do with the emotion at that time? Do I choose to feed it and do something that’s not in my best interest or do I step back, survey the situation, pray about it and make the an intelligent decision? How we react to emotions is so important.  Remember feelings aren’t facts!!!!! But how we act in the midst of an emotion is a fact in deed.

 

 

Flowing from my heart

Happy Sunday!!!! 

I know it's late but I just had to post. I decided last week I wasn't going to write on Sundays but I'm not the one driving this car!!! 

 I am reminded daily of the joy I have in my life and it not only makes me smile but it makes me cry. I've been doing that a lot, smiling while I'm crying. It's like when it's raining but the sun is still shining. Just think about that for a second. It looks so crazy. It looks so weird. It just doesn't fit. But in actuality it fits like a glove. We learned in church today that there is a "purpose for our pain". I think of that and that's when I start thinking about the rain coming down and the sun shining at the same time.

 I know now that just because I may be going through something doesn't mean there's no sunshine ahead. When there's trials and tribulations there's also triumph!!! So I thank God for my sun storm. I'm grateful more than words can explain. 

No more Mask !!!!!

(Sorry about the missed post yesterday)

So yesterday was Halloween yayyyy!!!!!???? Lol. A day for people to celebrate the dead. The traditional focus of All Hallows' Eve as it's actually called, revolves around the theme of using "humor and ridicule to confront the power of death."

Ok so although I typically don't celebrate Halloween I do like the meaning of confronting the power of death. As we transform into our new selves we are leaving the past behind. We are letting our old habits, attitudes and low self esteem die. It's not a literal death but we are still saying goodbye to it. Old things have become or are becoming new. The old has faded away. That means we no longer have to hide behind these mask of guilt and shame of the things we have done because they are forgotten. There's no need to dwell on them. There's no need to beat ourselves up. We just need to bury the past and let it go. So stop hiding and let the new you shine through.