Nappy by nature

Fried, dyed and laid to the side. I can still remember the smell of a hot comb on the stove. The sound of  sizzling as it ran through the white rose grease in my hair. This was my mothers Saturday morning ritual so I could be pretty for Sunday morning ritual of church. One hair couldn't be out of place. And no kinks could be in my kitchen. My hair had to be done. 

Today my own daughter came home with her hair done. It wasn't fried or dyed but it was done!!!  It was full of beads and tight rubber bands. My heart immediately dropped not because she wasn't pretty but because the fairytale was being planted in her head. The fairytale that your hair has to look a certain way in order to make it in this world. 

I asked the person who decided to do this why they thought it was necessary for her hair to be constrained at 2 years of age. I was told "because her hair is never done". See they have been brainwashed to think that if your hair is just naturally out that it's unacceptable. And anything besides fake hair, beads, perms, rubber bands, is ugly. Of course I immediately took it out with no time spared. 

Now I don't knock anyone for the choices that they make when it comes to their own hair but I vowed that I would raise my child to love herself exactly the way God made her and to not be focused on what grows on top of her head but more focused on what is in her head. To be proud of who she is,  not because she looks the way society wants her to , but because she is a child of God, smart, kind and loving. 

Do you

So I was thinking about how I was going to  celebrate my bday. I already have made plans but until last Thursday I was seriously considering canceling. See I really wanted to stop celebrating as of last year. Last year was absolutely horrible. I really didn't do anything  and when I thought that I was going to have the opportunity to celebrate my bday I was told "April your birthday is over!"  Those exact words. From that day forward I said I would never mention celebrating my birthday again. 

It's funny how much of an influence people can have over you especially when your in a dark place and last year was really bad for me. With that one comment I felt like what was the point. Until someone who I just started forming a friendship with gave me some great encouragement. I think the words were somewhere along the lines of "do you". I'm not sure what she really meant by that but I feel like I'm slowly figuring it out. 

Regardless of how anyone feels about my bday I'm going to celebrate it exactly the way I want to. If it's all my friends or just me I need to celebrate it. Nobody except my parents and not even them are obligated to celebrate my birth. It's the day I was brought into this world and it is just as important to me as someone's else's whatever is important to them. I refuse to downplay it, act like it doesn't exist, or ignore it like other people including myself have done in the past. I have to make a big deal of myself because I am a big deal to myself. So I guess I'll do me !!! 

Hey sistah soul sistah

I think I have started writing today’s blog about 15 times. Not because I don’t have anything to say but because I have so much to say. So the only adjective that fits this post is “tired”. Not physically tired but mentally tired. The last couple of days has been nothing but dealing with people’s expectations of things that they don’t, wont and would never do themselves. It honestly feels like one of those damn if you do, damn if you don’t type of moments. And everyone is the victim. And if I don’t stop and take care of their needs I have a character defect. Or as it was put so brilliantly put (yea right) that I have no soul. 

I found this to be the funniest statement about my character that I have ever heard in my whole life. Literally I was laughing for almost an hour off of this comment, that I have no soul. I had to stop and rethink this comment for what it really was.  It wasn’t that I lacked a soul it was that I had finally grew a backbone.

See for most of my life I’ve been a sponge. I’ve taken peoples crap time and time again. People would just use me, wring me out, hang me up to dry and reuse me again. But I have finally gotten to the point that I’m no longer the sponge soaking up any and everything. I’m stronger, wiser and much more in tune of my needs and more importantly my daughter’s needs .  When I started writing this blog I said that people weren’t going to like the new me but who cares.  You can’t please everyone and as long as God is pleased with me that’s all that matters.  And at this point I’m willing to bet my soul that he is very pleased at the person I’m becoming.

Adventures in parenting not babysitting

Disclaimer: writer is extremely pissed off and cannot be held accountable for her rant

Ok now that I've said that here it goes. Mother's Day is this Sunday and of course it's a big deal. Probably hallmarks biggest selling card day. And I being a mother for almost 2 years can finally explain what is so important about being a mother. A single mother at that. 

So why am I angry. I'm angry because 7 days out of the week I'm my daughters everything. Yes she goes with her dad on a visitation schedule but I'm still her primary caregiver. I kiss her ouchies, give her hugs, make her meals, feed her meals, change diapers, wash clothes, change diapers again, etc etc etc. I'm your modern day super women. And not only am I super woman I'm professor Xzavier teaching her everything I can all to have someone who pretends to parent come and undo everything I'm trying to teach her. I teach her what's right but it turns into what's wrong. I teach her how to use the potty he resorts to using a diaper out of pure laziness. I use products that calm her eczema. He uses soap that makes her itch out her mind. It's a pure opposite day in my life 24 hours s day. I feel like I want to pull out my hair all day. 

It's insulting, disrespectful and just plain cruel. Sometimes I feel like he is purposely trying to confuse our daughter. I'm sorry let me use his words "his daughter". His daughter that he sees when he feels like it, when he doesn't have a party to attend, a game to watch, a something else that he chooses over her. His daughter that he is $4,000 behind in child support because he refused to help. Yes that's right his daughter. 

He chastises me over everything I do but I do it all without him and without his money. Like I said insulting. 

So what does this Mother's Day mean to me. Well since he won't let me even see her it means the same thing that it would any other day. It means that I'm her rock. I'm her provider. I'm her everything and despite what he says I'm her mother. 

Oh yes I'm the great pretender

I was discussing with one of my friends yesterday the art of pretending……well it wasn’t described so eloquently as that, but it we were discussing pretending.  To me this is an art form that has passed down from generation to generation. From pretending to be another race, as they said back in the day “passing” or putting on a costume at Halloween. We all pretend in some sort of way.  The question is why do we do it?

My friend and I came up with the conclusion that one pretends so they don’t have to show their true colors. We were speaking about a particular person and how they pretend to be so loving, caring, and supportive and giving to others but in actuality they’re really far from such adjectives. She said this person was so far from the martyr they claim to be that that it was sickening. I in turn starting naming all the things this person had done for other people but I was soon reminded on how they only do things for certain people and it was mostly so they could brag about how much they did or get something in return.  Oh and the biggest front of all, they always make the statement that if they didn’t have this or that to do they would do anything for anybody. Crazy thing is when the time comes to step up they’re nowhere to be found.  I realized that yes they were the great pretender!!!!!!

So what does one do with a person with such character? Do you walk away, call them on it, or stay and put up with the unclaimed selfishness.  I find that any other choice then walking away is super exhausting unless you accept that person for who they are. You realize that while the person puts themselves on such a pedestal you don’t have to do the same. You don’t depend on them to do the nice and right thing. You don’t get jealous when they selfishly do for others and you don’t take it personally. You continue to be supportive of that person without looking for anything in return for that’s what the great pretender is unable to do. And you be sure that you don’t become the great pretender yourself. You make sure that everything you do is genuine from the heart and has no ulterior motive. Because to give is to care, to care is to love and that comes with no price and no credit should be expected

74 +1

“No justice no peace”.  This is the phrase that Baltimore has been calling for in the last 3 weeks and today we got a glimmer of justice. Baltimore heard the words that they have been marching for, walking for, screaming for, yelling for,  and literally burning for “Gray's death a homicide; 6 Baltimore officers charged”.  As I watched the video of the city’s top prosecutor make this statement I could hear a roar of cheers in the background.  Justice is beginning to be served, but is it?

I in no way shape or form condone, agree, or justify what these 6 officers did in harming this young man and most certainly they need to be held to the highest punishment possible  for Mr., Gray’s untimely and horrific death.  They did something wrong and they need to pay for they’re wrong doings.  And while we still have a long way to go before these charges equate to punishment what do we do in the meantime?

Since Janurary 1, 2015 there have been 73 HOMICIDIES in Baltimore and Mr Gray now makes 74.  I find this important because not all of these were done by the had of law enforcement. They were done by the people in our own community.  There have been children shott while playing outside, murder suicides, innocent bystanders struck on their way to work, gang cross fire. All of these events have left someone’s mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son dead.  And just as the country is shaking their heads for Mr. Gray, we as a community needs to be shaking our own heads for all 74 deaths. 

There’s an old saying that “we teach people how to treat us”.   And I never believed it more than I do right now. As an African-American community we have lost the it takes a village to raise a child attitude. We have become so immune to the violence we forget how violent this city actually is. Have we as a community succeeded in teaching others how to treat us? Have we become so immune to the violence in this city that someone that is outside of our culture thinks “hey they’re used to killing each other so one more won’t hurt.” 

So today as we post on social media, talk in our cubicles, discuss on our way home the happenings of these last few weeks.  Please remember that we, our community, our children have to do better, say better, live better and want better.  Because if we don’t want it for ourselves,  no one else will want it for us either. 

#KNOWPEACEKNOWJUSTICE   #JUSTICEFORALL  #JUSTICEFORME   #JUSTICEFORWE

Title fight

Supervisor, friend, pastor, social worker, associate, father, boyfriend, wife. All these words have one thing in common, they are all titles. 

In life we are all obsessed by titles. They are expected to maintain order and eliminate chaos. A title can decide where you are assigned to sit in the office all the way to who you call in a crisis. But this doesn't mean the title accurately describes the person in the role. Someone may have the title of a supervisor but lacks the experience to supervise , just as a friend may have the title as such but doesn't do the work to be called just that. 

I started thinking about how much weight I put on titles in my life and realized that some people, including myself didn't deserve the title I gave them.  I also realized that some people just want the accolades without doing anything to deserve or keep it. 

So what does this mean? I guess it goes back to that old saying of don't judge a book by its cover. Sometimes before you can decide who's what in your life you have to see them in action  or better yet not in action. 

Spring cleaning

Last week I spent my entire weekend cleaning my house. This is usually the time of year that most folks do their spring cleaning. I started from the bottom all the way to the top and I did as much as I could.  I went through old stuff and just threw everything that I had no use for  The next day I was in so much pain. My back hurt, my side hurt. I felt like I was broken.  But it was good because I had decluttered my house. 

A couple weeks ago I had a conversation with what I thought was my best friend. I never realized at that time that it would probably be our last conversation. It's like we just stopped talking to each other. I thought about reaching out a million times over but I finally came to the conclusion that just like we can spring clean our house we also can spring clean our lives. I realized that this relationship that I had held so highly was only being held up by me. I also realized that while I was of significance at one point in this persons life I had lost my lack luster. Not because I was no longer a good friend or that I didn't care for him. But that I had fallen into that old saying of "out with the old and in with the new". My friend no longer had a use for me. I cried over it. I talked about it. I even prayed about it. I finally was left with the question to myself mind you "why are you holding onto something that doesn't want to be held?"  So I cleaned house and now by writing this Im ultimately cleaning spirit by letting him go. 

Lesson learned is: sometimes we feel that we are constantly being rejected but more often than not  we are actually walking away from something or someone that  didn't recognize our worth. 

I've been heeled

How many times have you reached for some bread to make a sandwich and realize there’s only one slice of bread left and dare I say it THE  HEEL. You sadly end up only making a half of a sandwich because you wouldn’t dare ever eat the heel. Instead you discard it and cast it off as that undesirable part of the loaf. The heel is the crust, the end, the last slice, the not so pretty part of the bread. I decided to look up more information about this outcast and found out that this part that I have been throwing away all my life is actually healthier than any other part of the bread.  It may be tougher, but it has more dietary fiber, antioxidants and is currently being studied for its fighting properties against colon cancer. Now that’s a very tough slice if I would say so myself. But instead we’d rather go for the inside of the loaf, the nice pretty soft slices.

I compare myself to the heel of bread. Just like my sister heel, I’ve been seen as an outcast in many instances. I’ve been told throughout my life that I’m not the prettiest, I’m hard to talk to or as someone once told me I’m far from someone’s first choice.  I’m the HEEL LOL.  But just like the heel I’m tough, I’ve been through a lot but I’m not broken.  I’ve been able to hold things together for myself and my family just as the heel holds the other slices. I’m a protector standing strong for those I love. To some I may not be the most desirable but I’ll have your back no matter what.  I’d rather be this than the soft part of the bread. The part that gets pierced easily and crumbles under pressure.  

So if you’re a heel like me, be proud of your place. Were tough, strong, able to withstand a bump or a bruise, we are built to last.

And a little child shall lead them

Every now and then I post about my daughter. I'll say she gives me inspiration and how blessed I am to have her and all the basic mom things. I never boast about her but for this post I must. 

For those who don't know my daughter came early. Not super early but early enough that her name didn't match her season, lol. I always say that her name is confused because it doesn't match when she was born. I worried that because she was early that she would be slightly delayed. That she wouldn't hit all her milestones like she was supposed to. I even went so far as to have her tested. Yea I know anxious April strikes again. But no really I was worried. But she was just where she was supposed to be. She was moving at her own pace. Now at 18 months I've gotten to the point where I don't compare her anymore. So much so that I didn't recognize how advanced she actually is. She talks in almost a complete sentence. Can count to 10. Can point out things in books, and places and is just excelling further than I would've ever imagined. But see I didn't notice that part. I just thought my daughter was doing what an 18 month old was suppose to do. 

I've never broadcasted this but I feel that I must for you to get my point. At the age of 8 months she was left in the house by herself. Not by my hand but by someone who I thought was equally responsible. It was the worse feeling anyone could imagine. To have your child left unattended while you think they're safe. I immediately did what I needed to do and filed for full custody of her. Despite what others have said about me these last 10 months I still know until this day I wouldn't have responded any other way than the steps I've taken to keep her safe.  But despite everything that I've tried to do to keep her safe , I still have to reluctantly hand her over to the person who left her. It's heartbreaking to say the least. I've cried and cried and screamed in my pillow. Thrown up from worry. Just a complete mess because I didn't know what was going on with her. And I still don't know to this day. I ask about her and get no response. I give information about her routine its disregarded etc etc etc. It's pure torture. Now this isn't a bashing session by far because when it all boils down to it I chose this man to be her father and without him I wouldn't have her. So for that I'm eternally grateful. But I was a fool and we all know what God says about children and fools. 

I was given a child that's wiser than I could ever imagine for a reason. When she isn't given the things she's suppose to get, she can ask. When she doesn't want something she can say no. She has the ability to remember the things I tell her. She may not understand but she can remember like the elephant that she knows and is able to pronunciate clearly in her book. She knows. 

So I can't say I won't worry because it's parental nature to and I can't say I won't question because that's a given. But I will always remember that she was created for such a time as this and the gift she was given was no accident. It was divine intervention to teach those who seem to be unteachable, unreachable, or plain prideful. 

Frozen hearted

So I've been forced to watch frozen every day for the last 3 months. Yay toddlerhood lol. Anyways I've watched it so many times I started to notice that there's a way deeper meaning to the movie. Yes it's full of catchy songs and the love between sisters but there's one song that I really read between the lines. 

In the lyrical number between the prince and the not so important sister they sing about finding each other and how they're each other's true love. They sing about how love is an open door. After listening to it a million times I realize that although they are both singing the same words it has different meanings for the both of them. While she's singing about him being the love of her life and opening the door to the ending her loneliness, he's singing about her being the open door to wealth, prosperity, fame and hopefully the throne. 

How many times have we, me, anyone been singing one song and thought the other person was singing the same tune? How many times have we been in love, like and the thought the other persons intentions were the same. Recently a friend of mine admitted that they knowingly were doing this. It actually shocked me because I never thought that someone could really be this deceptive. Although I wasn't the one on the receiving end I could feel the others persons pain. To me it is the true definition of being played. I mean what else do you call it? When you pretend to be someone you're not you've become an actor. 

Truthfully all of us have played someone, or something to get what we want in life. The thing to remember is while a world is a stage, all of us will exit it one day one way or another. How would you like to be remembered? 

Scratch a liar, find a thief

One of traits I despise the most is that of a liar. It's just so unpleasant, mean and down right hurtful. I think the only thing I hate more than lying is the art of thieving. Yes I know they're both horrible personality traits to have but I think thievery  gets me the most. Now I'm not talking about petty thefts (although those are still bad) I'm talking about someone taking something that you will never get back, didn't belong to them, had to lie in order to get  sneaking around, thief in the night type of stealing. 

When I facilitated substance abuse groups I would have each person go around and talk about the worse thing they ever stole. Some  would say cars, tvs, cell phones, money etc etc. I would ask them in this task to dig deeper and think about other things they may have stolen. I always received the response "what else is there?"

Of course there was something else. It's something that can never be replaced. Trust, peace of mind, security, love, confidence, these are all things that are worth more than gold. But just like gold they all can be stolen. 

When you take something that doesn't belong to you, it becomes a part of your being. Not the object or the emotion itself but the characteristics of a thief have now become your headshot. People look at you differently. Speak to you differently (if they even speak at all) or they just stop dealing with you all together. You have now become the person no one wants to associate with. And if you have any moral fiber in your being you can feel it without anyone saying a word. I've always felt that when you do something you know instinctively is wrong you do anything to hide or cover it up. The shame is so deep you can't bring it into light. But that's ok because eventually everything , no matter good or bad shines though. 

So as I take today and reflect on the thievery I've witnessed in the last couple of days I pose this question. How long do you think you can live in the darkness? 

Wait for it

Yayy every single person in the worlds favorite holiday is coming up, yup you guessed it, valentine’s day. Now I really don’t think that this is truly the most anticipated holiday for singles,  in fact I know it’s far from it. I myself am dreading it. I’ve tried to think of activities I could come up with, even asked a single friend if they wanted to do something fun, but that even came with a small ounce of rejection. I started thinking to myself why is this holiday,  which is not really a holiday filled with such joy? I guess for those with a significant other it’s something to celebrate. It’s a day to tell that special someone how much you love them. But to some without that special someone it’s filled with depression, sadness, rejection, guilt, insecurity and a host of negative feelings.  And to avoid those negative feelings some people will become so desperate to be with someone on this one day of the year that they settle for anyone that crosses their path.  A quick fix is what I call it.

Recently I’ve been thinking about my own singleness and what it means or even looks like to others. To me it’s a place I’m currently at in life and I’ve become comfortable with it. Not saying that I don’t have any hope of ever being with someone but rather that I’m not putting all my hope in to finding someone. Instead I have turned my hope inwardly and focused on being with myself. For years I have been guilty of being a “serial dater”. I’ve gone from one relationship to another with the goal of avoiding loneliness. But no matter how many relationships I entered I was always alone. Perhaps it’s because I had the same relationship over and over again. The relationship may have been with someone else but it was still the same relationship. The same drama, the same tears, the same expectations the same same.  Nothing was different except the name of the person I was dating.

Finally at the age of 33 I have become content with being with me, myself and I. I no longer look for another person to fulfill me and instead look inside myself to find me, love me, date me, and be kind to me. So this Valentine’s Day if you are lucky enough to have people that platonically love you spend time with them, or if you’re lucky enough spend time with yourself. After all you never know how long you may have to just be with you.

Teddy grahams

Yesterday I was cleaning and I found my old teddy bear. I used to love that bear when I was little. I would carry it wherever I went. School, market, laundry mat wherever I went teddy went to. It was my best friend. As I got older I stopped carrying teddy around and would leave him home more and more. My parents would say “hey you’re leaving teddy behind.”  My best friend,  who was my road dog, my ace, my number one I used him and then I forgot all about him. I found other toys that I thought were better were newer, shinier, had more bling and left poor rusty dusty teddy in the closet.  Part of me found it embarrassing to be carrying that old bear around because he had lost is “teddy appeal”. He was no longer attractive to the eye as you might say.

Sometimes in life,  even when get older we treat people like my teddy. We have people who’ve been there through the hard times in life and when we think they no longer serve a purpose we discard them. We may not do it purposefully but never the less we forgot about those that had our back from the very start. We pull them out when we need them but just as soon as they’ve completed their task we cast them away again. They too have lost their “teddy appeal”. Our other friends don’t like them, they aren’t attractive enough, or we just are embarrassed to be seen with them. But never the less when we need something we just reach deep in that closet and call them up.

It’s important for us to remember that unlike my teddy bear people have feelings.  And also unlike my teddy bear humans are fragile and can’t be mended so easily.  You can’t use a needle and thread to sew up a heart so be careful not to tear it.

Dearest daughter

When I became pregnant I was super excited. I was excited about everything I mean everything except, for finding out the gender. I was so anxious and I was praying that God was going to bless me with a boy. When I found out that I was having a girl, I cried. I know it sounds stupid but I actually cried. I thought to myself what am I going to do with a girl? I'm the least girly of them all. And oh the biggest one, I'm going to have to learn how to braid hair !!!!!! Lol. Yea dumb reasons. That's exactly why I never said anything because no one ever admits that they suffered from Gender Disappointment. Yup. It's a real thing. I know I should've been grateful to even be able to carry a child but I couldn't hold back the disappointment . I didn't understand why God would give me a girl....until today. 

We always ask why does this happen or why does that happen? And sometimes we miss the answer. Well most of the time we miss the answer because we don't ask the right question or we just refuse to see the truth. Today I was given the answer to my question. The Holy Spirit told me loud and clear. I was given a girl because I am suppose to teach her how to grow into a woman. 

When your a single parent. You have many tasks that are given to you without you even knowing that they are tasks. You just do them because you're suppose to. I didn't realize until today that one of my tasks is teaching womanhood to my daughter.  Just like I didn't know that I would be a single parent until a couple months ago. But see that was already a plan before I even knew what gender my baby was going to be. I was given the gender that could relate to me the best. I was given the gender that I could mold into a young woman and teach her the right things. Someone that wouldn't be exactly like me but better than I could ever imagine myself to be.  And that is an awesome thing. I'm so happy and grateful that I was given a little girl and grateful that I finally was given the reason why.

Everything happens for a reason but better yet everything happens as it is supposed to. 

Shut your trap

I think the hardest lesson in life is to admit when you have a problem, made a mistake, or just have plain messed up. One of the hardest struggles I have is my mouth. I've been told for years that I just don't know what to say or that the things I say are uncalled for or just plain rude. When someone says this to me I usually just apologize and don't give it a second thought. But this problem seems to keep reoccurring. So my apology holds no weight bc I keep doing it over and over again. I truly don't mean to offend but regardless I have offended. So today I really sat and thought about my tongue and what I can do to change it. 

My first solution was to just stay quiet. Don't say anything. Keep to myself and shut up. If someone asks for my opinion I won't give it. But then I thought I would be limiting myself. I hate not being able to be me and not being able to express myself. But censoring yourself does not mean you have to lose yourself. 

People always say think before you speak, that's definitely a true statement. But for me I not only have to think about what I want to say but the effect I want to have on the person I'm speaking to. If my goal in life is to be kind and loving the words I speak must exude just that. Kindness and love. 

I can't go back and keep apologizing for the words I have said but I can change how I speak from this moment on 

 Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. 

Pardon granted

A while back I blogged about my “crush, my love struck sensation, my shoulda coulda woulda. Well I think its time I let that torch burn out.  Matter a fact I think I’ll do more than let it burn out, it’s time to cover it with dirt and give it a funeral.  Now you may ask why I’m giving up? Why, when I’ve never even said how I truly feel? After much thought I know this is something that’ll never be and me wishing and hoping is only pushing me in the option direction of my own growth.

With this it gives me an opportunity to issue a retraction.  In my previous post (la la la la la la) I said it was ok for me to daydream, nope I was 100% wrong. It’s bad for me personally to daydream, night dream about something that I know will never happen.  See while I thought I was just daydreaming I never woke up, until now.

So I’m going to take this time to write a goodbye letter to my  secret love:

Dear ________,

                I have to let you go. While I never was holding onto you physically, I was holding tightly on to you mentally. I realize that it hurts me more than it would ever hurt you. Not because you have done anything directly to hurt me, but because even thinking about you makes me a prisoner of constant rejection.  But the joy in this is that while  I’m the prisoner , I’m also the warden and I’ve decided that my confidence credentials make me overqualified for the job of a prisoner. So I’m opening up the cell I’ve placed myself in, walking out and throwing away the key.  

So with that……..I’ll miss you but goodbye

Her first love is DST

Today me, us, we, the distinguished women of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated celebrate 102 years of the founding of our sorority. An organization that was founded by 22 women who decided to go against the grain and strive for something better. 

I've been asked numerous times what made me pledge? Why would I "subject" my self to such a "thing". That it seems "unjustified"or a "waste" of time. For me becoming a member of DST was never a question that I needed to think long and hard about. For me it just made sense. And the answer wasn't as simple as me just wanting to be a part of something. It is the principles and values of the organization that I could also  see within myself. 

With every post I write,  I unveil more and more that's truly within me. Sometimes it has been hard for me to acknowledge or maybe I just forgot but regardless it's always there. Our morals, our values, our principles will always remain with us no matter how far we stray. No matter how tough we pretend we are. And no matter how long we hang around the wrong crowd we will always come back to what's right

So today I thank 22 woman who went back to their morals. Went back to their principles and decided to start an organization that stood up for what was right, what was courageous what, and what needed to be done. 

OOOOOO-OOOOP

The new normal

Normal. What does that word mean? What does it look like? The definition of normal actually reads: 

1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural. 
2. serving to establish a standard.

But does this still even define what normal actually means to us. So many times we try to give this word a certain type of look. But the truth is its a name with no face.

 For so long in my life I've said to myself "why can't I just be normal?"  Why can't I just have a plain normal life? Why is everything so hard for me? I'm sure I'm not the only one who's spoken those words. In fact I'm sure that my abnormalness is the culprit in me not having things I wanted. I'm overweight, a single mom, weird, don't know what to say out of my mouth, living from pay check to pay check, not married. All the opposite of what anyone would ever put the word normal next to. I'm the square peg in the round hole. 

So what happens to the abnormal? Where do we go? If I was a piece of clothing I'd be at a clearance store in the "irregular" section. The land of misfit toys lol. But just like those clothes

and toys. I still serve a purpose. I'm still important. I can still be used for good. I can still be wanted by someone. I can still find a place to fit. 

Not everything that's abnormal is bad. They just need to be placed in the loving hands of someone who thinks that no matter who you are or what you are or have been that you are still fearfully and wonderfully made. 

A penny for your thought

Have you ever just been talking to someone about something and they offer their opinion without you asking for it. Or somebody comes over your house and states that they don’t like the way you’ve set something up, IN YOUR OWN HOUSE LOL.  For some reason this has been my pet peeve the last couple of days. So if you’ve seen me in the last 2 weeks you know that I recently dyed my hair aquamarine (YES I USED THE CORRECT NAME OF THE COLOR). I’ve had so many comments on my hair. Is your hair green? Why did you dye it blue? I don’t like that at all? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I became so frustrated with all the interrogation that I really wanted to just put a hat on my head and call it a day.  But it didn’t just stop with my hair color. I also recently bought a new lipstick. I absolutely love it on me. I was feeling confident with my new lippie smiling and all, and here comes my friend “I don’t like that color” on you. I sarcastically said to her “I’m not kissing you so you don’t have to worry about it”, she still felt the need to tell me again smh.  So who has the problem here, me or everyone else?

I don’t think there’s any one person to blame in any of these scenarios.  Someone is always going to have something to say about your choices in life. Their either going to agree or disagree, like it or not like it, hate it or love it.  The problem comes when you take someone else’s opinion and make it your own. Just like the other person has an opinion so do you. So many times we get caught up in what other people think or feel that we forget who we are, what we like and what we stand for. It’s ok to have an opinion in fact its strongly suggested that you have one, what’s not ok is to try to force your opinion on someone else or forget who you are.

“Opinions are like feet everybody’s got a couple and everyone thinks everyone else’s stinks”.

Through the looking glass

Back to work today after 2 whole weeks of being off. Smh it was the hardest thing to do. When that alarm went off this morning I hit the snooze button so many times you would've sworn my name was Floyd Maywether. Don't act like yall haven't knocked an alarm clock out a time or two. Lol I just couldn't get up I was so comfortable in my bed it seemed pointless to do anything else. But then I thought about my daughter, and my house, and my bills and bills and more bills. That was enough motivation right there to face the cold outside world.

I think about all the other snooze buttons I've hit in my life just bc I didn't want to do them when I was supposed to. I put off losing weight, going to church, reading books, ending relationships, forming relationships. I was the ultimate procrastinator. Just like my bed I was comfortable with  where I was at, but unlike my bed I couldn't find the motivation to get up and get moving. I'd make excuses, be scared, or just plain lazy. Seven days ago we were on the precipice of 2015 and also on the precipice of  making resolutions we knew we weren't going to keep. Yup I'm guilty too. So what's our motivation to change? Is it a person, obligation, or just a pure desire of our heart. I personally believe in order to move from where you are  the desire in your heart has to be greater than any external thing. 

Change must come from within. One thing nobody can ever take from you (unless you give permission) is your sense of self. That longing you have that desire is something that can never be duplicated. It's like trying to tell someone how you feel but you can't because you're lost for words. So search for your hearts desire. Don't look to social media, don't ask your friends. Take some time and pray and ask to be given glasses to see inside your own soul.