There are people who've chosen to walk out my life because I don't meet their ideal of who I should be. There are people who I've cut off because I just can't accept their behavior. And some people just have stopped talking to me because other people have convinced them that they should. No matter the reason why these people have left it still causes a great deal of pain. Especially when it happens all at once. And I'm tired, hurt, and literally have been sick over this.
I've beaten myself up because I thought "everybody can't be wrong. It has to be me". So I decided to look at myself and see what changes I need to make within (reason for the blog). I want to become a better April and I am. But one of my cousins asked me "why is it all about you. Why can't it be them as well". I didn't understand her because I refuse to believe that there's anything wrong with anyone else.
I've done this for years. I make excuses for the way people treat me. I blame myself. I apologize when I don't need to. I do whatever needs to be done to make it right. Although I need to look at myself I also need to look at the people around me and see if there's something wrong there as well. Not particularly wrong with them themselves but wrong for me and my personality and if I'm able to deal with such.
I can't tell which way things are going. What is happening. What I should do. All I know is that I feel bad and I'm not the monster people have convinced me I am.
Girl this is my life story... I don't think I ever told you MY STORY... I totally understand how you feel. For years I have not been able to have a normal relationship with my Mom because of my step father... Long story, but he's mentally and emotionally abused my mom for years and he basically doesn't "allow" her to see me... They live 2 minutes away from us and I've seen my mom once this year. We teach people how to treat us. Sounds corny but its true. I took a stand this year And decided that I would no longer allow my step father to break me emotionally. I also took a stand and told my mom that I love her but I will no longer "go along to get along"... I wasn't going to play my step fathers games anymore. Best decision I made. We'll have to talk offline so I can tell you the while story but I hope it would encourage you. You are enough. God makes no mistakes... I used to ask God why he made me a mom at 18... I had a full ride to Spellman, countless opportunities... But I realized that because my family dynamic with my parents was so unstable and weird, that God wanted me to have someone to love me unconditonally... God sent me Raniya just when I needed someone. If people don't love you for you, then pray for them and leave them alone. Its SO hard, especially if its family or a close friend, but you owe it to yourself to have a clear mind and love from those who genuinely mean you well!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou said it.... Congrats on putting your foot down
DeleteWow yes definitely ground breaking. Thank you for your inspiration. I know it's a hard thing especially when it's your mom. Congrats. Love u dearly
DeletePeople can only do what you allow. Set standards for yourself - when people break boundaries - tell them -
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it's my place to point out them breaking the boundaries. Depends on who broke them because as we all know. Some people will not listen at all
ReplyDeleteApril you are so dear to me and many others unfortunately people like you and I have some terrible core beliefs that have played out in various areas of our lives. Just to share a little of my story I was raises always believing I was so overweight my family always had something to say. One day as an adult I was looking at childhood photos and realized I was normal. Blew my mind. I never thought I was normal. Blow those engrained negative thoughts away. Keep on reaching out and we, your true friends, will keep giving you the real story.
ReplyDelete